I haven't been around much to post which can be blamed on a lot of things lately. Whether it be the two jobs I am working to make ends meet through my divorce, traveling 3-4 days a week for my main job, or just spending time with my girl, I just haven't had the time to really get online and do anything with this, MySpace, Facebook or any other site I belong to. In all honesty, it's not a bad thing either to me.

I've been out and about, doing new things. I'm starting to train for my first 5K after watching my g/f and her brother run in the Nashville Music City Marathon a few weekends ago. I've been looking into buying a bike to do some long rides with my girl. I've been working more at the station and going through more training than I normally would. I've worked on my house enough to get it to the point where I can sell it and cut back my hours at the station. I've worked hard the last few months on putting my life back on track and I've done a good job of it.

This is the first time in a long time I've had a chance to reflect on thing and I have to say, I don't think I've ever been as happy. I'm busy with life, and enjoying it.

Hope you're all doing well here.

Getting over it.

Yesterday I was pissed off, distraught, upset, and just plain humored that my ex-wife was pregnant.

I consider myself lucky enough to have a great family and some of the best friends in the world to talk to and a very understanding girlfriend.  They all made it just fall into place for me and by the end of the night, I was myself again.  I was not pissed off and angry anymore, but rather happy and thinking about the future and what it holds for me.

I had gotten over her a long time ago.  This was just another attempt by her to get me upset and miserable again because I am in such a better place and so much happier now.  But it didn't work because I was able to speak to people who truly care about me and my wellbeing and they were able to put it into perspective pretty quick.

Thanks.

Fuck you.  You will never get to me again.

Cooking and Parents.

I love to cook, but hate to cook for just myself.

Tonight, I'm trying a new beef rib recipe that I, well just made up. I seem to do my best cooking when I don't care about it and just mix things together. Right now, the meat is in a cooler with the following ingredients rubbed or in the brine:

salt
brown sugar
pepper
garlic cloves, chopped
1 medium red onion, chopped
4 beef boulion cubes
water
ice
crushed red pepper
cumin

I have a wicked recipe for a really good spicy BBQ sauce, but I'm debating on using that or going with the old standby of Old Stick Fingers sauce.

Tomorrow, I am meeting her parents for lunch, along with her younger brother. There will be a small buffer of friends that I know of hers at lunch as well as this is for her birthday (it's Tuesday). She already knows what I got her since she had asked me for them (Tim McGraw tickets) and I also got her a UNC Tar Heel throw blanket for her couch and a gift card to VS's as she was complaining she didn't have any "sexy" underwear. I am a little worried about tomorrow and meeting her parents. She keeps remarking how I'm the first guy since her ex-husband that she's dated that she's wanted to introduce to them. I guess that means I'm worth it... :)

Hope everyone has a good weekend. I'm sure I'll have an update post-rental luncheon.

Relationships.

To really be honest, I've only had one true relationship in my life that mattered to me and it was my marriage. The girl I dated for about 3 months from September-November really wasn't more than a rebound chick for me. I've gone on dates since her since I finally felt that I was ready to date and put myself out there now that I had gotten my rebound chick out of the way. For the most part, the dates I've been on have been really good. I've met interesting women who actually stimulate me quite a bit and match me on an intellectual level. That was until the beginning of this month, when I met "her".

I have two things that are a must for me to be in any relationship with anyone and they are:

You must accept me for me. No exceptions.
Be honest. If it isn't going to work out, let me know.

I think that those two lead to many other things that are necessary for a relationship such as trust, honesty, communication, physical attractiveness and so on. I believe without those, relationships will never work. It's part of what doomed my marriage.

I met "her" on EHarmony. I've heard of friends having some luck with the site, so I figured what do I have to lose. We went through the process, exchanged IM ID's and just started talking. We spent quite a few nights up until 2-3AM just chatting, which for me is unheard of since I am usually in bed at a decent hour and get up early. We finally decided that when she returned from her business trip, we'd meet up for dinner.

So between the time we made plans to meet and the actual "date", we talked a bunch more. Now going into this date, I've got a better feeling, but I'm nervous as shit. I mean, even just talking every night to her, she seems like a really great girl who I'm really interested in getting to know more. So I got there early and waited for her outside after putting our name on the list for dinner. She pulled up, met me outside and we proceeded to the bar to wait for our table. We talked pretty much openly about everything. If I didn't have to work that night at 1AM, we probably would have hung out all night talking. We parted ways around 1AM and I went to work.

Since that first date, we've been on more dates and now, we've entered that "relationship". I've honestly been happy with what my life has become before meeting her and what I am doing with it. I've actually never been happier. Now however, my happiness is an entirely different level. She brings out so much more in me everytime we're together. She really makes me feel wanted, which is something I haven't felt in a long time and makes me feel like I'm worth being with.

Looking back to the skepticism about EHarmony and the way it matches people, I had my doubts. The other night, we looked at the personality profiles, which are created based on the long drawn out questionaire that you fill out. I guess the system does work because our personalities are very similar, on top of the interests that we both have as well.

Maybe it's too good to be true, I don't know. But i do know that this relationship has been nothing but a big positive in my life right now and it just makes the rest of it so much better.

Relationships.

How do you know when you've found someone who is just amazing as a person and who when they just look at you make you feel so happy?

A few months ago, I was still dealing with a messy separation and feelings of guilt and depression. I finally realized that it just wasn't worth it and that I just need to be happy about my life in general and that I'm still alive and healthy. I've got a great group of friends, a supportive and loving family, and some of the best co-workers that I could have ever imagined. Why shouldn't I be happy?

So I've been happy. I go out a lot more. I've been doing things that I haven't done in years as well as learning new things. I work out. I eat better. I enjoy life. I couldn't be happier.

What does this all mean?

Nothing really when it comes down to it. I never needed anyone in my life to make me happy, but I want someone to share my life with. I don't need someone to take care of me, pay for my stuff, etc.

For the past month, I've been "dating" someone on and off. We both have rough work schedules between traveling and after hours obligations, so we've been just getting together when we both have the time. So finally we've been able to see each other a few times this past week and this weekend. I have to say, it's been quite an experience.

I've never felt so good about life in a long time. I mean, I've always had a future and goals in mind, but I've never thought that I'd be 30, divorced and dating again. I figured I'd be married, have a family and be a father. But that didn't happen and in some ways, I'm happy about that. It wouldn't have been right.

I don't know what to say right now as I have so many feelings going through me. I'm happy, excited and mostly scared to death because we have so much in common with each other and enjoy so many of the same things. I've never had so much fun before either and it's not so much what we've done, just the fact that we enjoy being with each other and spending the time together. This weekend, especially with my friends in town, has been just amazing. She truly beings out some many other qualities in my that I never knew I had.

This is why I'm scared. I don't want to get hurt again. I finally managed to get my feelings straightened out, get back on my feet and be able to take life by the horns and run with it. I finally have gotten over her and have healed myself to the point where I feel I can accept someone else in my life again, but am scared to do so. It sucks because I've done and gotten the rebound girl out of the way (a few times at that) which helped heal some of the wounds. I've accepted the fact that I can let someone be with be and share my life with me as well, when for a long time, I didn't think I was going to be able to do so.

I need to get showered and to the station for some meetings, then back to work tomorrow.

But in the meantime, I really need to give this some thought and think things out. There is so much here to think about.

Spending the Night.

The last few days have been quite a change for me. I really think that anytime you find someone that you like and has many similar interests to you, that you want to spend time with them and as much as you can. For the past few months, I've never had the comfort level that I've had with the girl I'm dating. I've never told her some of the things that I have told her or would tell any of my close circle of friends. I'm not sure if it's the alcohol or not, but she feels the same way, well at least she did last night.

The last time I slept with someone in the same bed was my ex-wife and that has to be at least 2 years ago. Last night, we went out with my friends who are down from NJ to take the Charlotte FD test today. Friday nights are usually decent around here, with a choice of things to do. We left the bar around midnight and came back here. We sat on the back deck and talked for over an hour having some more wine and smoking, which is something that I haven't done in many years. My friends had gone to sleep so it was just me and her stirring around the house. We ended up watching TV and talking for awhile, before falling asleep, with her wrapped around me and her head on my chest. No sex, nothing. Just some good quality time and a great sleep.

Although I am a guy, I'm not into the whole pressure thing about dating, sex and sleeping with someone. I can sleep with someone and never have a sexual thought go through my head. I can do the opposite too.

Either way, it was a great night.

I've got a bunch of cleanup to do from last night and some errands to run.

Protein Shakes.

I'm hooked on them for no obvious reason. I've gone with the double chocolate Gold Standard from Vitacost. I have one every morning before I work out (even though it's only cardio and light lifting right now) and I actually enjoy them. They actually taste decent. I use milk, maybe that's why.

Guess it beats Bojangles... :)

Date number 2 tomorrow night. It's hockey night in Charlotte.

Dating, continued.

The last few weeks, I've gone on multiple dates. Now remember, I really have dated anyone in the past 7 years since I've been with my wife so I'm still trying to remember the dating code.

I've done the EHarmony thing since before the holidays at the recommendation of a friend. I'm a geek and spend most of the days on the computer, so what the hell, I'll give it a shot. I'll say a few things about the site and what it does for people who always see the commercials. You give it 3 hours of your life that you will never get back and basically answer hundreds of questions and then fill out a profile about yourself. Then their system uses some great computation to figure out who you are compatible with based on tests and standards that they've setup.

So what's wrong with this?

Nothing at all actually. The people that I've dated in the past month or so have been great people, with similar interests to me and similar personalities. Most, if not all have been career oriented people with good jobs, good family lives from what we've talked about through EHarmony and decent people who match my personality quiet a bit. I've been very happy with the results so far until last night.

Last night's date was with a 30 year old who actually lives in my town who I met off of EHarmony. For some reasons pictures don't do me justice at any point in my life and my pictures on the site pretty much are a warning sign for: I'm a big all around guy with slight weight problem. That being said, the only picture of my date from last night was her work ID picture that she had managed to snag when she joined EHarmony as well. For the past 2 weeks or so, we had been chatting via IM (both of us admitted we don't like phones or texting that much) and decided to meet last night at a local brewhouse down the road from both of us. Now I haven't changed much from my pictures except for losing a few pounds. When she walked up to the restaurant last night, I kinda lost myself. She was a very beautiful woman and the picture does not do her justice at all.

We have had a bad habit of keeping each other up to wee hours of the morning chatting and I've probably told her a lot more about myself than she needed to know in those sessions. Both of us were nervous and have "complexes" about going out on dates. I'm still lacking some self-confidence but it has been getting better. I'm not the greatest looking guy in the world and I realize that, so I try to make up for it being funny and a good all around guy personality wise. She, admitted to me at dinner, that she always has going on in the back of her head, like I'm sure most women do, if she's smart enough, pretty enough and not making a fool of herself. I told here she didn't have to worry about that. So the night began and we both were always asking each other if we were okay because we were both pretty nervous. For one, my comfort level with "dates" is pretty low for the first few minutes until I can read them. And even though we had talked extensive both at work and at home, I still needed that time to adjust to how pretty she really is and ponder what she sees in me.

I think what scared me the most is how many things that we have in common, from favorite places to eat to the sports that we like to our views on family and raising children. They were all just too much alike as if we were reading each others minds. I even said that I'm not trying to do this to impress her by agreeing with everything. I'm not sure what this means or if it's too good to be true, but I've never been with a person like this before.

Whether or not it's too good to be true, we're going out on another date in the near future. Last night I got one of the biggest hugs I think I've ever gotten from someone and a very nice kiss goodnight. The kiss was a little like the one from Hitch where Kevin James tries to kiss Amber Valletta on the front stoop to her place, but she met me 3/4ths of the way.

I'm confused, but happy. I haven't had someone like this around me or like me before. This could be interesting.

Dating - Part II

So tonight, I had to work around 1AM to monitor a project (large one) that is going live now and full speed ahead in the next few weeks if this one goes well, which it has.

Previously, I had been chatting with a very nice girl, a PA, since I had gotten back from vacation in Florida at the beginning of January. She seemed really down to earth in emails and on the phone. We talked about a lot of different things from politics to sex to football.

So earlier this week, we made plans to meet for dinner downtown. She picked the restaurant, a nice place called Greek Isles and said that there was a bunch of places around there that we could hit up after dinner if we felt like it. I was all for it, since I had a rough week and was looking forward to some good Greek food and a few drinks.

So I get ready, throw on a pair of khakis and a golf shirt and head out. I get there early (about 15 minutes) and decide instead of waiting in the truck to wait outside. 7PM rolls around she promptly appears in front of me. I hadn't seen a picture of her before tonight and she knew what I looked like already, which was fine. I'm a pretty good guy when it comes to looks. I don't expect super models to want to meet me for dinner and drinks. I was really quite surprised. She was about 5'11" (had heels on), wore a really nice pair of jeans and a black sweater/jacket. She was a very good looking girl with dirty blonde hair, a great set of eyes that I couldn't stop looking at all night and a nice smile. We went inside, sat at the bar, had some drinks and started talking.

We parted ways around 12:30 or so tonight, after a few more drinks a bar a few feet down the road from the Greek Isle. I had to say, it was one of the best dates I ever went on. We talked, about anything and everything and stuff that I would probably not tell some of my friends. She was really down to earth, a good looking girl and just had a kind heart. Then the awkwardness set in. I walked her to her car (she has a nice BMW) and said goodnight. I'm not a big fan of kissing on the first date nor have I really dated in a long time. We kinda just looked at each other and laughed. She gave me a big hug and a peck on the cheek and told me to call her when I home after I was done working.

What did I learn? That not all dates are as bad as I thought. We're planning on going out another night next week depending on her schedule.

Right now, I'm happy. It was just a date, but it made me feel, different I guess, from the last few girls I've dated/been in relationships with. I felt wanted.

Oh well. Off to bed.

Dating.

I've been out on a couple of dates the past month. I can honestly say that none of the people really interested me enough to go out on a second date. I've gotten calls back from them asking me if I wanted to meet up for drinks or go out to dinner or a movie, but I've had to tell them no because they just don't interest me. I've been honest with them too. I told them that I'm just not interested in them and that I think it's just better if we don't try and date again.

Last night, I went to see the girl I had been together with for a few months after my wife left me and which had broken up with right before Christmas (her decision). She had broken up with me because she didn't want anything serious at that point, although giving me the keys to your house and the extra garage door opener would mean you wanted a decent serious relationship in some ways. Well anyway, long story is, we decided to try and be friends since it just didn't work out in having a relationship. So last night I stopped by her house since she had a few more things of mine that she needed to give me back. She was all done up and all after working 12 hours at the ER (she's a nurse) which is uncommon especially when she works Saturdays from 7AM-3PM and she has to get up really early. It had to be around 8PM. I asked her what she was all done up for and she said her date. I looked at her, and myself who was wearing jeans, a long sleeve thermal shirt with a fire department shirt over it and some runners and asked, "With who?" and her reply was, "You."

I sat her down and basically told her that I wasn't interested in dating her anymore and thought we were just going to be friends from now on. Well, she didn't take to that too well and basically told me to leave. I grabbed my stuff and left. I have plenty of female friends in my life so losing her isn't a big deal, but please, just make up your flippin' mind.

I've got another date tonight with a Physicians Assistant. She seems pretty cool and down to earth. Updates to follow.

They are good and they are bad.

There have been a lot of changes in my life the last 6 months. I'm happy about most of them, sad about others.

There have been some changes recently at my place of employment. They haven't affected me as of yet.

Change happens. People usually don't like it but will learn to accept it after awhile.

It has been quite awhile since I logged in here to check in on friends and such and update people on my current state of being.

Let's take a trip down memory lane:

June 30, 2007: Promoted to manager of my department at work.
August 3, 2007: My wife and I decided to go our separate ways.
August 5-September 1 2007: Sorted out my feelings, met with lawyers, got my shit in order.
September 1-December 15: There is quite of list of things that I've done in this time period. First, I started mending broken friendships due to a marriage that wasn't really all it seemed to be. I went to Wake Forest Demon Deacon football games up in Winston with some of my best friends from college. I made some new friends outside of my current groups of friends. I dated a few people, all of which still are friends of mine even though things didn't work out. I saw my family for Thanksgiving, which is something that I hadn't done in almost 4 years. I've rebuilt a lot of my life that had either gone away or was missing when she left me.
December 15-now: I'm back to being me, although I think that the real me was never gone, just hidden away for a period of time.

I've learned a lot about myself as a person and what I can withstand when it comes to mental anguish and emotional pain. I think I've come out through this whole separation as a better person overall. I miss her, not so much as my wife, but moreso, as my best friend, the one person I could tell anything and everything too about my day, my life, my feelings. I don't have that anymore. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about that friendship that we had outside of being husband and wife. It was really a great one. Now, we barely talk, unless it involves something about our divorce or money and it usually involves her. I think that's what hurts me more than anything.

I'll get over it, just like I've gotten over everything else in life and moved on. I think the hardest thing for me to accept is that I will find someone, sooner or later. I'm not in any hurry as I'm starting to get used to being on my own again, doing what I want to, when I want to. I'm never in a hurry or have to be anywhere I don't want to be. Granted, it's a little lonely, but my little buddy keeps me company. It's one of the few things left here that I have (my cat McKay) that reminds me of her everyday, but in a good way. It's funny actually. When I come home from work or from being out, he's right at the laundry room as I walk in the door. He follows me around, rubs up against me, shows an interest in me and probably would sit there and listen to my day if and talk to me about it. He's always around me. It's kinda nice. He's laying here against my leg watching me type this.

There's just something about getting my head shaved down to almost nothing that makes me feel sexy.

Oh, that was my wife rubbing her hands through my almost bald head because she likes how soft my stubble is... :)

In other news, we've had some really wicked storms the past few nights. It's not going to get any better either. I've racked up 28 calls in 3 nights. Our fiscal year ends 6/30/2007. Final tally (when I get done with the reports from June) should be sometime next week.

Stolen from aramantha... ;)

Link: The Brutally Honest Personality Test written by UltimateMaster on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test

Finally decided on a vacation for this December for my 5th wedding anniversary.

We're going on a cruise.

Been doing a lot of research about it lately. I haven't been on a cruise since 1995. My father worked in the industry for 52 years and made a lot of friends so my family cruised 3-4 times a year.

Anyway, I'm researching some cool itineraries so that we have some nature stuff to do as well as some relaxing stuff.

The Sopranos series finale...

Wow. Not in a good way either...

For a second, I thought my DTV lost it's satellite signal.

I think the hardest part of growing up is losing the people around you that mean the most. It happens everyday whether you realize it or not. One day you have this great support group, this great group of friends. Then, overnight, it's all gone. You find yourself staring in the mirror wondering what went wrong. You try to understand things but nothing seems to make sense. It's at those moments you turn around to ask someone for advise and no one seems to be there. These moments happen all the time and I guess, in a way, it is a true test of your character. How do you handle yourself when no one is there to bail you out? How do you find the answer to situations you have never been in before? I guess to answer most of these questions a person has to go through the situation. People can offer advise but do they really understand something they have never been through before? I know figuring things out on your own is painful, stressful, and sometimes agonizing. In the end you have to believe in the decisions you've made, the conclusions you came up with. You can always make other people, but the true question is can you make yourself happy? The answer to that question seems so easy when you are younger. But as life progresses the answers become blurred. Life gets so complicated that you often forget what it was that made you happy. It's important to take time for yourself to remember what it was that made you happy. But when it has been so long since those moments you truly have to dig deep inside yourself to find the answers. I think it is the digging process that seems to last forever. But once you find that answer, don't ever forget it. Those answers are the only thing that can keep that smile on your face no matter how bad things get. There are no guarantees you will ever find everything that makes you happy, but you have to take things day by day and hope for the best. You just have to always have hope that someday it will happen for you. The one thing I am sure of is that when I am with my true friends there is no other place I would rather be...I feel home. So for those out there that actually followed this note I hope you understand the importance of self-happiness and never take it for granted.

As I sit here eating my cookies and cream ice cream from the great homemade ice cream place down the road, I want to say thanks to the men and women of our armed forces who served and still serve today, for allowing me to.

I'd also like to thank them for allowing me to kick out of my way a protester last week while I was visiting NYC. It really irks me that people are protesting against the troops and have no inkling of knowledge as to why they are able to protest to begin with. Fuck them (the protestors). I hope they eat rotten tofu those bleeding heart liberals.

So, back to my ice cream.

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I've had quite the weekend.

Thursday morning I get a page asking if I wanted tickets to the Wachovia, which is one of the PGA's bigger events in Charlotte. The local Seagrave people, since I guess they haven't fixed out brand new engine (won't stay in pump) felt bad so they gave us two passes for Friday. Within 2 minutes, I'm on Nextel with the chief letting him they're mine (I never ask for anything anyway). Confirm with my co-worker he's set to go.

Friday comes around and we're on the course at about 9:30AM. We catch Tiger on the 3rd tee box and follow him from the 3rd to the 6th holes. He had some amazing shots. As an average Joe Hacker on the course, I have to admit it that his swing is a thing of beauty. So clean, so easy, so effortless. It started to rain and I scored some seats at the 6th hole's grand stand, which was covered. We stayed there and watched Phil Mickelson, Vijay Singh, John Daly and some other notables play through. When the rain let up, we cross countried the course for the rest of the day, breaking for lunch. There were some great golf shots hit that day.

Today I worked on the house replacing 3 ceiling fans: the master bedroom, the guest room and the office. These are so much nicer (looking and working) than the ones we used to have. I actually feel a breeze on low now instead of having to put them on high to get a tickle of air.

Tonight was Jacy's "Photowild" benefit. Basically, a bunch of photographers take pictures of all the birds at the Carolina Raptor Center. They then donate their best shots to this event, where they are auctioned off and procedes go to the center. We ended up with 2 pictures this year, which is about what we do every year.

6AM comes early and I have to be at the station by then to cover a shift tomorrow.